I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
