i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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