I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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