I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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