if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
