I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
