so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
party gras won. party gras always wins.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
