I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?