k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
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Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.