does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
