If you die in college, do you die in real life?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
