i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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