I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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