THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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