Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you didnt know i had herpes?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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