does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
