Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
