i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
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I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
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the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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