Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
