He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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