I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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