I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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