Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I didn't notice because vodka
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
