I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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