I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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