i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
