Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
