Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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