I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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