Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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