I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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