Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
