I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
