I think I won the penis lottery.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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