I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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