woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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