I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
