Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
