dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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