Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
