I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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