Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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