Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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