Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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