u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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