just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
