Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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