I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.