Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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