I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.