I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
