Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
