I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
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