Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
