I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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