i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
