My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
There are leaves in my underwear?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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