Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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