I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
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Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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