Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
