Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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