Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
