If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
