i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
